Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Day 227: College, Authority, Debt and being Pissed Off Part Two

Continued from Day 226: College, Authority, Debt and being Pissed Off


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that living with my parents is going to be an adjustment to my lifestyle during my time away from them and the lifestyle of partying and staying up all night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of regret when I think about my life as a college student and how I didn't do the homework and studying necessary to pass classes and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not going to class and doing the homework for classes causes a result of wasted money not realizing that my emotions of hating the educational system got in my way and caused problems for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question the teachers I have had classes with not realizing that they got offended by this questioning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my emotions to be in control of me while questioning teachers while in school not realizing that while questioning these teachers I was in an energetic state of mind and wanted them to see things from my point of view instead of looking at their point of view as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of anger when I think about my school debt not realizing that I am in debt and went through an institution and borrowed money. I realize the only thing I can do is deal with the debt situation I am in throughout time.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the interest on my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be in debt my whole life. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "this system is so fucked up so fuck it, fuck everything" not realizing that emotions of anger are connected to this thought and not realizing that staying pissed off does nothing for me or those around me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in order for the system to change I must become apart of it as I realize that rebelling and bitching about it does nothing but cause separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my anger to take me to the point of not writing, thinking their is no point to it instead of realizing that writing myself out helps sort my thoughts, emotions, feelings, and reactions out by dissecting the shit. 





Saturday, February 15, 2014

Day 226: College, Authority, Debt and being Pissed Off

A lot of shit has been rolling around in my mind lately. More so than usual. Maybe it has to do with that I am living back home with my parents after not living with them for almost 10 years. It has taken me 10 years to get an undergraduate degree. I worked a few years during this time. Throughout my "college" experience I have failed many classes because I didn't go to class and didn't do the homework or study the shit because I have always thought it was a waste of time.





A lot of problems have happened because I have questioned authority and the teachers or "professor". Almost getting kicked out of school because of this. This is an excuse I use for not writing myself out - because I think if I write myself out something will again be used against me so I can't get that piece of paper of confirmed indoctrination. Excuses excuses, lol.

Throughout the years I have become more pissed of because of the realization of the fucking debt I have - student loans. I realize year after year my debt is growing and the interest on this debt is another thing that pisses me off. I feel as if I will be a slave for the majority of the rest of my life.

This is an excuse I use for putting my process on a halt or stand still. I think "this system is so fucked up so fuck it, fuck everything". I used to write myself out more consistently but this is an excuse and I remember a blog post I did recently when I realized that when I don't write myself out and investigate what the hell is going on within me the more cloudy things get.