Friday, May 23, 2014

Day 232: Wanting to go back to high school

Today I was filling out my stafford loan exit interview and saw the money that I owe in student loans. A feeling of despair and anguish came up within me. I suddenly remembered being in high school and how I didn't have that many worries and desired going back to high school. I also had a feeling of dread about the future and fear about not being able to get a decent job. This then led me to think about how if I don't get a decent job I will be paying off my student loans for the rest of my life.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of despair and anguish when I was filling out the stafford loan exit application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing filling out the stafford loan exit application to trigger the want and desire to feel as I did in high school where I didn't have many worries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dread the future and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of fear where I fear that I won't get a good job and will be in debt for the rest of my life.

I commit myself to when and as thoughts and emotions about my student loan debt come up to stop myself and breathe in and breathe out. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I remember the times in high school where I didn't have many worries or responsibilities. I realize that that time is over and that I can't go back to that time of having no responsibilities and I realize that these thoughts of the times when I didn't worry much or had many responsibilities triggered me to go into the mind so I could escape this reality and feel better for a few seconds. So within this I commit myself to investigate and face my worries and fear through self writing. 

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