Monday, June 23, 2014

Day 239: The Rollerskaters

Now that I live in an area where not many people play music the desire/want of playing music with other people comes up. A memory that I have a positive/feeling attachment to is when I played with some of my friends at the high schools "battle of the bands". All of us in marching and concert band who liked punk rock formed a band called "The Rollerskaters" LOL. During that semester we would rehearse a few times a week playing punk covers. During school while I wasn't paying attention in class I was looking forward to rehearsing after school. It was very fun. I remember someones mom gave him money to buy a bunch of blank white t shirts. We designed all kinds of t shirts that said "the Rollerskaters" with a black marker and gave them to all our friends.
We had an extra member of the band that we added to the band who just danced while we were playing who was a good friend of mine. It was a very fun time and I sometimes wish that I could go back to that time. I felt a sense of creativity and freedom during this time that I miss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of rehearsing for the battle of the bands with my friends in high school band and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge these memories with a positive attachment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back to the time where I was excited about rehearsing with my friends while in class in high school after school for the battle of the bands.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the energy/high I was pre-meditating while in high school where I was wanting school to be over and thinking about making music with my friends after school was over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remember the time when those of us in the band created t shirts that we gave out to our friends and to connect this memory to a fun and positive feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back to the time where my friend was a member of our band who only danced while we were playing and I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that having my friend dancing in front of the band while we were playing was creative instead of seeing and realizing that I got this idea off of the band the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have many instruments that I can experiment with like the guitar, the trumpet, and keyboard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can't be creative while playing an instrument while not playing with someone else.

When and as the memory of rehearsing for the battle of the bands with my band friends in my friend's garage after school comes up I stop and I breathe. I realize that this memory is just a memory and that I cannot go back to that time because I am here right now. I commit myself to be self aware of when and as the memory of rehearsing for the battle of the bands with my band friends in my friend's garage and to simply recognize it and let it go. I do not accept and allow this memory and the positive feelings it causes when I think of this time to continue playing in my mind.

Will continue with this as it has opened up many other points...

Monday, June 16, 2014

Day 238: Racist Comments

5 years ago I was at a family get together and had an uncomfortable experience. We were eating lunch and someone at the table said something racist and then another person at the table said something else that was racist. I have always remembered this moment. After hearing this I became quiet and angry and didn't say a thing for the rest of meal. This memory comes up every now and then when I see this person and it is like something I justify to myself as to why I should not like this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory where I was at a family get together and hearing someone making racist comments and after hearing these racist comments to become quiet and angry where I couldn't even talk and sat in my own little world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing seeing this person to trigger the memory of hearing them make a racist comment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this memory as an excuse as to why I should not like this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike a person just because they said something that was racist.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this memory of hearing someone at a family get together make a racist comment has led me to not wanting to be around this person and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and feel uncomfortable while around this person just because they made a racist comment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that communicating with this person is difficult because the memory pops up when I am around this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at someone who made a racist while we were eating a meal together.

I commit myself to when and as seeing this person triggers the memory of this person saying a racist comment while at a family get together to stop and breathe in and out. I realize this memory has made it difficult for me to be myself around this person and I realize that this memory is hindering how I would normally communicate with them. I commit myself to stop myself from going in my own little world when I see this person and the uncomfortable feeling I have while around this person through the breathe and to not accept and allow myself to stay in my own mind when around this person.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Day 237: An Old Weiner Dog

Today I went to the vet with my mom to check on our dog. His right eye has been red for a little while so we decided to take him in. He is very old and is not the same as he used to be. I found out that we have to take him to a eye specialist so the blood in his eye can be removed. When the doctor said this I looked at my dog and remembered something from a long time ago. I was, I think in the 7th grade and a friend and I were video taping him coming down the stairs when he was a puppy. This memory has been tattooed in my mind. Then I came back to where I was in the vet's office and I felt bad for him. This sorry feeling came up within me. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. Like him playing with a sock he found, playing fetch with it. And him coming up to me with a toy and putting it very close to me and when I would try to grab it he would take it and run off and then come back with it. Such a fun animal to play with.

On the drive back from the vet it made me realize that it was fear of death that was going on within me. Death will happen to every living thing and that is something that I need to accept. It is strange.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the doctor saying that our dog needs to be taken to an eye specialist and that he might have to have surgery to trigger the memory of my friend and I video taping Rusty as a puppy coming down the stairs where I felt like I was in love and thought he was the sweetest thing in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memories of Rusty and me playing with socks he found on the floor and other toys where he would come up to me and place the toy on my lap and when I would try and grab it he would grab it and run off and then come back up to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for Rusty for getting old and having health problems instead of realizing that every living thing will die and that death is inevitable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want Rusty to be young and healthy again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word death with a negative emotional charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that Rusty will die instead of realizing that he will die and that I will die. I realize that death is a part of life and that death cannot be avoided.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hearing the results of what the eye specialist is going to tell us about Rusty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine Rusty living in pain and that he will need to be put down due to quality of life.

I commit myself to when and as I hear of what measures need to be taken concerning Rusty's life to stop and breathe In and Out.

I realize that death is a part of life and that it cannot be avoided and I realize that every living thing will die someday like all animals, plants, and people.

I accept that death is a part of life, and I commit myself to accept and allow any emotions that may come up concerning what measures needed to be taken concerning Rusty's life to flow through me. I do not accept or allow myself to suppress any emotions concerning Rusty's well being.

I commit myself to stop imagining Rusty being put down and to be with him and enjoy his company as he is now. I realize that he is not in pain now and that I can enjoy his presence instead of going into the mind and imagining scenarios that I play out in my mind.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Day 236: Fear of working fast food

As time goes on I fear that I won't be able to get a good job when I graduate. When I was talking to this woman on the phone the other day about my transcripts I was put on hold and thought, "I am going to get a shitty job and am never going to be able to pay back my student loans." "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents the rest of my life.

It reminded me of when I worked at McDonald's, Subway's, and other fast food places while in high school and in my early years in college. I don't want to go back to that time. It made me also think that if I work 40 hours a week at these places I am only going to have enough money to pay my student loans.

Looking at it now I see that I am making up scenarios in my mind about the future and what could happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have to work fast food when I graduate. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I am going to get a shitty job and am never going to be able to pay back my student loans".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents for the rest of my life".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while I was on hold with the university to remember the times I have worked at fast food places and horrible times I had while working at these places. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out scenarios in my mind, making up ideas of how the future is not going to be good for me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I will be working at McDonald's to only pay off my student loans and I won't be able to get my own place because all of my money will be going to my student loans. 



I commit myself to when and as I think that I will end up working a fast food job when I graduate to stop and breathe. I realize that I will have to work somewhere as soon as I graduate so I can pay off my debt and I realize it might take some time to find a better job. I also realize that many people work fast food jobs and they probably don't like it any better than I do so I understand that at the moment I am better off than them. 

I commit myself to when and as I think "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents for the rest of my life" to stop and breathe in and out. I realize that this thought is based on the imagination and is not something I truly believe but is something I play out in my mind because I am pissed off at my current situation. I commit myself to see/realize that whenever I see myself thinking "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents for the rest of my life" that I am thinking this thought based on my emotions and to go on with whatever it is that I am doing at the time. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I remember the times that I worked fast food and had to deal with customers getting mad. I realize that any job has shitty parts about it. I commit myself to go through whatever job I may have to get in order to get a better job. 

I commit myself to stop playing scenarios out in my mind where I imagine the worst happening to me and when and as I see/notice/realize that I am playing these imagined scenarios out in my mind to stop and breathe in and breathe out.