Monday, June 9, 2014

Day 237: An Old Weiner Dog

Today I went to the vet with my mom to check on our dog. His right eye has been red for a little while so we decided to take him in. He is very old and is not the same as he used to be. I found out that we have to take him to a eye specialist so the blood in his eye can be removed. When the doctor said this I looked at my dog and remembered something from a long time ago. I was, I think in the 7th grade and a friend and I were video taping him coming down the stairs when he was a puppy. This memory has been tattooed in my mind. Then I came back to where I was in the vet's office and I felt bad for him. This sorry feeling came up within me. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. Like him playing with a sock he found, playing fetch with it. And him coming up to me with a toy and putting it very close to me and when I would try to grab it he would take it and run off and then come back with it. Such a fun animal to play with.

On the drive back from the vet it made me realize that it was fear of death that was going on within me. Death will happen to every living thing and that is something that I need to accept. It is strange.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the doctor saying that our dog needs to be taken to an eye specialist and that he might have to have surgery to trigger the memory of my friend and I video taping Rusty as a puppy coming down the stairs where I felt like I was in love and thought he was the sweetest thing in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memories of Rusty and me playing with socks he found on the floor and other toys where he would come up to me and place the toy on my lap and when I would try and grab it he would grab it and run off and then come back up to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for Rusty for getting old and having health problems instead of realizing that every living thing will die and that death is inevitable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want Rusty to be young and healthy again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word death with a negative emotional charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that Rusty will die instead of realizing that he will die and that I will die. I realize that death is a part of life and that death cannot be avoided.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hearing the results of what the eye specialist is going to tell us about Rusty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine Rusty living in pain and that he will need to be put down due to quality of life.

I commit myself to when and as I hear of what measures need to be taken concerning Rusty's life to stop and breathe In and Out.

I realize that death is a part of life and that it cannot be avoided and I realize that every living thing will die someday like all animals, plants, and people.

I accept that death is a part of life, and I commit myself to accept and allow any emotions that may come up concerning what measures needed to be taken concerning Rusty's life to flow through me. I do not accept or allow myself to suppress any emotions concerning Rusty's well being.

I commit myself to stop imagining Rusty being put down and to be with him and enjoy his company as he is now. I realize that he is not in pain now and that I can enjoy his presence instead of going into the mind and imagining scenarios that I play out in my mind.

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